All These Years
by FicFloveR
Summary: SweetLovinCullen's Judges Pick, WRITE THAT TUNE contest!  After four long years and one big secret, Edward and Bella have found their way home, but can they find their way back?


**A/N This was my entry for the Write That Tune contest, hosted by Twilight Fic Zone. It was awarded Judges Pick by SweetLovinCullen, and a banner was made by KatMom (linked on my profile). Big Thanks to dj071688 who beta'd for me!**

**Title: **All These Years

**PenName: **ARoemmich

**Rating**: M

**Lyric** **Chosen**: Drinking old cheap bottles of wine, Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah, we're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years. _For the First Time_ by The Script.

**Word** **Count**: 9,998

**Pairing**: Edward/Bella

**Summary**: After four long years and one big secret, Edward and Bella have found their way  
>home, but can they find their way back?<p>

**Disclaimer**: All recognizable characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

* * *

><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

Driving home was always hard. It wasn't a long trip, but it was... painful, I guess.

There are places that will forever be associated with certain people, and no matter how hard you try, you can't ever change it. Forks may be the rainiest place I've ever been, it may be the town where my family lives, it may even be home to the most intimidating Chief of Police ever, but above anything else, it will _always_ be the place I fell in love.

Isabella Swan moved to Forks halfway through our junior year of high school. My cousin Alice wanted so badly to introduce herself, but I asked her not to. I wasn't having the easiest time adjusting, and I didn't want anyone else whispering gossip about 'that weird Cullen kid'.

We had only moved to Forks the year prior, just after my parents died. My aunt and uncle, Carlisle and Esme, had taken me in and moved the entire family from Chicago. It held too many memories, and they thought it would be easier living in a small town.

They were partly right, but the gossip that comes with living in a town this size is a bit difficult to bear at times.

I kept to myself for the most part. I was kind of forced to spend time with Alice's boyfriend, Jasper Hale, his twin Rosalie, and her boyfriend, who turned out to be my best friend, Emmett McCarty. It took me an entire year just to warm up to them.

When my parents died it killed something inside of me. I was fine physically and mentally, but emotionally I was dead.

I was a good looking kid. I was fresh meat for the girls of Forks, but I wasn't interested. The pain of losing my parents, and constant fear of losing anyone else I loved or cared about, curbed my appetite for emotional attachments.

From the moment that _she_ walked in to the cafeteria that first day, I hated her.

When I first saw her, I felt something stir in my chest. I didn't know what it was, but I felt _something_, and I didn't want to feel anything.

When she was assigned as my lab partner in biology I was enraged. She saw it. She felt the anger rolling off of me.

It was all I could do to force myself to stay in my seat and not start yelling at this girl that I had never met before.

I left school and went straight home after that, talking all night with Carlisle. The next day he let me stay home from school, and called an old friend of his to come for a visit.

What was supposed to be a long weekend of intense therapy, turned into a week. Carlisle's friend, Marcus, was a specialist in grief counseling. He talked to me for a few hours each day, picking away at layers, getting to the root of why I hated that girl so much when I had no reason to.

Turned out I had never actually grieved the loss of my parents. I never let that pain come through. I simply turned it all off. When I saw her, something shifted. Maybe it was coincidence, maybe not, but she was the reason I broke down.

Once I got my head cleared I returned to school, wary of what she may have told everyone. I know she feared me, and rightly so. I wouldn't have actually harmed her in any way, but she had no way of knowing that.

When I returned to school I expected stares, whispers, finger pointing, or any other sign to prove that she was just like the rest of them. That she was so desperate for a little attention she used me to get it.

I was wrong.

All day people just ignored me as usual. Alice reassured me that she hadn't heard anything, but that didn't mean much since most people stayed away from her because of me.

That day in biology I introduced myself and things were never the same. She was a bit wary of me at first, but soon we fell into a tenuous friendship. I started to like her more and more. I was too scared to get any closer, but I couldn't stay away.

The day that changed everything for me was the day that Mike Newton tried to ask her out right in front of me. I couldn't stand the idea of her looking at him the way that I wanted her to look at me.

He had planted himself on our lab table and started blabbering about Jessica asking him to Forks High's Girl's choice dance. He had told her he would have to think about it. I knew what he was doing. He wanted Bella to ask him and I couldn't just sit there and let it happen.

Before he could say anything else I started coughing, hard. I couldn't tell him to go away without being too obvious and I couldn't very well tell her I didn't want her to ask him without looking like a complete psycho, so I did the next best thing and faked choking until class started.

Mike went back to his seat and I asked Bella on a date.

We were pretty much inseparable from that day on. It was love, and it was fast, and it was hard. I had never been so consumed with someone before.

She was in every thought I had. Everything I saw reminded me of her. I just knew that if anything ever happened to her I would die. And by some miracle, she felt the same.

Looking back, our attachments to each other probably weren't exactly healthy at such a young age. Sometimes I wonder if it was possible for two people to love each other as much as we did, or if our love just seemed so much more in hindsight than it actually was.

All I know is that no relationship I've had since then has compared to what I remembered of ours. Of course, any sex I've had has been physically satisfying, but there was an emotional element when I was with Bella that I haven't ever felt with anyone else.

Unfortunately once we started college we drifted apart. She was in Florida and I was in California. We had decided to do the long distance thing, but it didn't work.

I would have kept going, but Bella had a change of heart. Halfway through our sophomore year she broke up with me.

We were video chatting and I could tell by the look in her eye that something wasn't right. She started crying, saying that things had changed and she couldn't be with me anymore. She couldn't, or wouldn't, give me an actual reason though. She just kept repeating that she loved me, and that she wanted me to be happy, but that she couldn't be with me anymore.

I never heard from her again after that.

I tried, believe me, I tried. I called, emailed, and even went so far as to call Charlie. Three weeks later when I returned to Forks for summer break, hoping to change her mind, I found out that she wasn't coming back. Ever. She had decided to move to the east coast. Charlie wouldn't tell me why, but he did guarantee me that there wasn't anyone else. He made sure to stress that to me.

Even Alice had been cut out of her life. She'd given her some vague reasoning that it hurt too much being away from everyone and it was just better to make a clean break.

That was a really bad summer for me.

As it happens, time goes by. People fade in to the background, lives go on. I eventually got over the heart break of a lifetime. I finished school, busted my ass, and started a small architectural firm with Jasper.

This past year had been so hectic and busy that neither myself nor Alice were able to make it home for Christmas, so we postponed celebrating. Things had finally settled down a bit, so Esme decided that we should do Christmas in July, hence the trip down memory lane.

I was just crossing over into town when my cell phone buzzed in my pocket. Esme had recently learned to text and she used it constantly much to my chagrin. Apparently she needed me to stop at the market for a few things. Figures.

I pulled in to the parking lot and jogged in through the light rain. The market had been updated, the displays were much more organized and the lighting was a lot better.

I headed back to the cooler section, looking for milk, when I saw _her_. She was coming towards me, head down reading a list. I couldn't see her whole face, but I would know her anywhere.

Just the sight of her caused my heart to start beating overtime, and my breathing stopped. I was in shock.

She stopped about ten feet away, turning to look over the produce, chewing on that bottom lip still, and I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

God, she was still so beautiful. She was wearing a baseball cap underneath the hood of her jacket, a pair of cutoff sweat pants, and flops, glistening with the mist from outside, but she was still the most gorgeous woman that I had ever seen.

My brain was fighting with my body, telling it to move, to do something, anything. But it wouldn't. My brain was telling my mouth to open, to speak, but all I could do was swallow past the lump that had formed in my throat.

Just the sight of her had rendered me dumb after all these years.

I watched as she picked up and smelled several different peaches before selecting the ripest ones. She moved down a bit, doing the same with some packages of blueberries, smiling and giggling curiously.

I would do anything to know what she was thinking right at that moment.

Unfortunately she turned away from me, heading back to the front of the store. She was leaving.

She was leaving and all I could do was stand there watching her go.

It felt like I stood there for hours after she walked away, but I had no idea how long it had actually been. Eventually my senses and functions all returned and I made my way slowly towards the check out. I paid for my things and started towards the exit, a million questions running through my mind. Mostly I was pissed at myself for letting her leave without even saying hi.

Just as I neared the automatic doors, they opened and she came running back in, laughing. She was looking down, but must have noticed someone was in front of her because she stopped and looked up, about to speak when she realized who I was.

Her eyes went wide and her mouth grew in to the most beautiful smile before it slowly melted off and her cheeks turned red. Her eyes started darting around, but she couldn't keep them away too long, looking back at me every few seconds.

"Edward, hi. It's, uh... it's been a long time."

I nodded my head and cleared my throat, "Yeah, it's been a while."

A little over four years to be exact, but I didn't want to seem like some crazy ex-boyfriend, so I didn't say that part out loud.

The silence was terribly uncomfortable, considering I had so many things I wanted to say.

"So, are you visiting your family?" She was wringing her hands together, and looking at the floor while she spoke.

I nodded, but she wouldn't look up so I had to speak. "We didn't get together for the holidays, so Esme is having a big weekend thing. Thanksgiving tonight, Christmas and New Years tomorrow, then heading back to Seattle Sunday. You?"

I wanted to kick myself for saying all of that. A simple yes would have been enough, but I was so goddamn nervous around her that I couldn't think straight.

"Yeah, I uh, I came to visit Charlie for a while. How's Alice?"

My hands were confused as to what they were supposed to be doing. I was shoving them in and out of my pockets and scratching at my right eyebrow. "Alice is good. She and Jasper got married last summer."

"Oh, that's great. I always knew those two would..."

She didn't finish her sentence. She just let it hang there. I was looking down at my feet because it just hurt too much to look at her. The silence crept up again and it was killing me. It used to be so easy and now it was just so fucking hard.

I was about to ask her the one thing that had been on my mind for four years, and raised my head to find her looking at me. Her eyes were filled with tears and she had a watery smile. The sheer emotion behind it all took me by surprise, and before I realized what was happening she was leaving again.

"Edward, I have to go. I'm sorry, I'm _so, so sorry._"

With that she turned and ran back out in to the rain. I watched as she jumped in to Charlie's waiting cruiser. Words were exchanged and he looked over at me. He gave me a small wave and an apologetic smile, and then pulled away.

The whole scene left me reeling. I don't even remember getting in my car or driving home. The next thing I knew I was sitting in my driveway and someone was tapping on my window. I looked out and saw the last person I was expecting.

"Emmett!"

I opened the door and got out laughing. "What the hell are you doing here, man?"

Though I still considered Em to be my best friend, I hadn't seen him in over a year.

"Well, oddly enough a few weeks ago somebody set me up on a blind date that wasn't so much a blind date. Turned out to be Rosie. We're kind of trying things out again. When Alice found out she insisted that we come join you guys for the weekend."

Em and Rose had broken up and gotten back together more times than even they could remember, but they somehow kept finding their way back to each other.

I laughed and shook my head, "Help me get this stuff in the house so I can go give Rose some hell."

Once I made it through the door all hell broke loose. Hugs were going around like wildfire, people were laughing, and I wanted to enjoy it, but I felt like I was seeing it all happen instead of being there. My head was clouded and I couldn't shake it.

During dinner I tried to follow the conversation but I would lose myself in thoughts of _her_. I remembered how her eyes seemed so happy but so sad at the same time.

I felt someone nudge me and looked up. Everyone was staring at me. "What?"

Esme looked at me, concerned, "Edward, we've been asking you the same question for the last five minutes. What's the matter dear?"

I put my fork down and blew out a big breath. I don't know why I hadn't told them yet that I'd seen her.

"I'm fine, just a little out of it."

Carlisle went straight in to doctor mode, "Are you feeling alright Edward?"

"Um, yeah, I just had a bit of a shock this afternoon and I'm having a hard time shaking it. That's all."

I don't know exactly why I thought they would let it go at that. They all just sat there waiting.

"I saw Bella today. Spoke with her for a minute when I stopped at the market."

Alice gasped and put her hand on my arm. Other than that you could have heard a pin drop

Alice spoke first, "So how was she? What did she say?"

"She's good, I guess. She didn't say much just that she's in town visiting Charlie for a while." I grabbed my water and took a gulp. "I'd rather not talk about it though if you guys don't mind."

Conversation resumed, but it was forced. Everyone wanted to ask the same questions, but they all understood my need to not deal with it at that moment.

Eventually I excused myself from the table.

I went up to my old room shutting and locking the door behind me. I didn't want anyone bothering me right now. I was too ashamed to let them see how much just seeing her fucked with me.

I haven't seen or spoken to her in four years, but she still had such a strong hold on me that it was utterly embarrassing.

I showered, singing any and every song that I knew just to keep my mind busy. I didn't want to think about how pretty she still was, or how much I wanted to just touch her and see if she still felt the same when I held her. I didn't want to think about if she still smelled the same. I didn't want to wonder what my life might have been like if she'd stayed.

But I did.

I gave up on the shower and got out, dressing for bed. I should have shaved, but I couldn't find it in me to care at the moment. All I wanted to do was get in my old bed and sleep the day away, though I knew my dreams would be full of her.

I headed down towards Carlisle's study. He kept the good Scotch in there and I needed it, just to relax me enough that some sleep would be possible later.

I walked past the living room smiling at everyone as they watched me. As I opened the door to the study I heard the doorbell ring. I heard voices from the front of the house as someone went to see who was here. Figuring it was someone needing Carlisle, I continued on my way over to the shelf where Carlisle kept his stash.

I found the glasses and pulled out the stopper, pouring two fingers as I heard someone coming my way. Esme was speaking, but I couldn't understand what she was saying until she got close.

"...think he went in here."

I turned as she pushed open the door a bit and smiled when she poked her head in through the space.

"Edward, there you are. I'll leave and give you some privacy." I quirked my brow at her, wondering what she was babbling about. "You have a visitor."

With that she stepped back, and the door opened further. Bella was standing there, her face a fierce shade of red, biting her lip nervously. Her clothes were different, but she was still wearing the hat.

Without a word she entered the room. Esme walked back out, silently shutting the door behind her.

All I could do was stare at her. She didn't move and I didn't either. She didn't speak, and I didn't either.

Finally, she cleared her throat and motioned towards my glass. "Do you mind?"

I wasn't sure what she meant, but she extended her hand. She wanted a drink. I could sympathize.

I placed the glass on the coffee table and motioned for her to take it before turning around and pouring myself another. I listened as the leather of the couch squeaked beneath her, and while she sipped at her drink before coughing a bit at the burn.

I decided to follow her lead and sat in the chair at the opposite end of the couch, so I could see her but not have to be near her.

I watched as she sipped more from her glass, and I did the same. We continued that way for several minutes before I couldn't take the silence anymore.

"So, what are you doing here Bella?"

She finally looked over at me and met my eyes. "Would you believe me if I said that I was just here to see old friends?"

I shook my head, "No."

She let out a low chuckle. "I never could lie to you." She started running her finger around the edge of her glass, looking thoughtful. "Well, I guess did, actually. One time."

She didn't say anything else, seemingly lost in her thoughts. I cleared my throat, and watched as she brought her eyes back to mine, smiling slightly.

"Edward, do you remember that time, after we were caught having sex, when we had to sit in here with Carlisle, Esme, and Charlie while they gave us the 'talk'? I thought that was one of the hardest things that I would ever have to live through."

Her eyes were dancing with silent laughter. As much as I wanted to sit here and take a stroll down memory lane with her, I didn't think my mind or my heart could handle it.

"Bella, just say what you came here to say." The words came out sharper than I intended them.

The light left her eyes and she nodded. She reached up and scratched at her hat, growing frustrated with it when it she couldn't reach what she needed through the fabric. She tried slipping her fingers beneath the edges, but couldn't get where she needed because of the tight fit. With huff she pulled the hat from her head.

Her hair fell down and she tucked it behind her ears. I don't know why I was expecting it to be long like it used to be, but now it was only just below her ears.

I couldn't stop myself before I blurted it out, "You cut your hair."

She gave me a watery smile and shook her head, sucking in a ragged breath. "No, I didn't cut it. Well, I did, but not like you think."

"I don't understand."

She barked out a rueful laugh and took another, larger, gulp of her drink until it was all gone. Her throat was rough from the burn when she spoke. "Neither do I."

I wanted to lean over and grab her hand. I wanted to rub my thumb beneath her eyes and steal away the tears that were gathering there. But it wasn't my place to do those kinds of things anymore.

While she tried to reign in whatever emotions where choking her I stood up and went to refill both our glasses. I had managed to empty mine as well, though I don't clearly remember ever drinking from it. I heard her breathing even out and turned, fresh glasses in hand, when I heard it.

There was a collective gasp, a 'what', and an 'oh my God' filtering through the closed door. I figured they had found out that Bella was here, but the reaction seemed a bit dramatic.

Bella started laughing through her sniffles, "I guess Charlie let the cat out of the bag in there."

I went back to my spot, placing her glass in front of her, but she made no move to touch it. "Charlie's here too?"

"Umm, yeah. He thought I might need him."

I cocked my head at her trying to figure out what was going on. "Bella, why would you need Charlie here? Please, just tell me what you came to say."

She nodded and looked down to her lap. "Well, I guess the first thing that I need to do is apologize. I treated you so callously when I broke up with you and I have no excuse for that. I thought that I was doing what was best for both of us at the time."

I didn't say anything when she paused. What could I say? I couldn't tell her it was okay, because for a long time it wasn't. I only wanted to know one thing. "Why?"

I didn't have to explain that I wanted to know why she ended things, or why she cut me out of her life completely, or why she did the same to Alice. She knew.

"Do you remember the summer before our sophomore year of college, when my clumsiness had hit an all time high?"

I nodded and had to smile a bit, remembering how she could trip over a flat surface.

"Well, when I got back to school it just kept getting worse. I was having a hard time with my classes and I couldn't figure out why. After Christmas break I started having headaches all the time. I thought maybe it was just from all the stress, until I started getting sick.

"I would wake up in the mornings with these raging migraines and I would vomit. Renee took me to a doctor thinking I just needed something for the headaches, but they weren't so sure."

"Bella, all this was before we broke up. Why didn't you tell me you were having such a hard time?"

" You were busy and had enough going on with your own classes that I didn't want you worrying about me for nothing. Don't even try to say that you wouldn't have, you would have been on the first plane to Florida."

I laughed a bit because she was right. I would have done anything to make things easier on her.

"Anyway, that doctor sent me to another doctor, who sent me to another doctor, and so on, until finally one told me that I had cancer."

She looked me and it was as if all the air had been sucked out of the room. No, I didn't hear her right. She didn't say cancer. She didn't say cancer. She didn't say cancer.

"I had a cerebellar astrocytoma. It was a tumor lodged in my cerebrum, which is what was causing me to have so many problems with my balance and coordination. The headaches, the nausea, it was all because of one tiny tumor.

"When I found out I knew that I wouldn't ever be able to put you through dealing with that. I knew it would kill you that something was killing me, especially after what happened with your parents. I know it sounds selfish, but I was scared and I didn't want you to see me like that. I needed to focus everything I had on getting better, and I couldn't do that if I was worrying about you too."

Tears had started falling down her face and she didn't bother to wipe them away, knowing that there was no point.

"I convinced myself that it was better for everyone if I just disappeared. I was moving to North Carolina anyway so that I could see a doctor at Duke. Renee came with me and helped take care of me. It wasn't bad until the seizures started."

Her eyes focused on something in her past, not seeing the room that we were in.

"I couldn't be left alone because there was no way to know when they could come on. I couldn't drive. I had to start treatments because the tumor was in an area that was too risky to operate. They tried radiation for a while, but that didn't seem to be helping, so they decided to attempt chemotherapy.

"The first day I woke up with hair on my pillow I broke down. I'd been trying to stay strong through all of it so that Renee wouldn't freak out, but that day it all just sort of crashed down on me, you know?"

I didn't think she really wanted an answer, and I didn't know what I could say anyway. Nothing was making sense. She wasn't sick. My Bella wasn't sick.

"Anyway, once I calmed down I went in to the bathroom and got the scissors. I cut these huge chunks out and it was all uneven. I was so out of it that I didn't even realize that we didn't have the kind of clippers necessary to shave my head with. I panicked and tried to use the electric shaver that Renee used on her legs, but it kept getting bogged down, until eventually the motor went out in it."

Her voice was shaking, thick with tears and pain of the memory. I put my drink down and covered my mouth with my hand, bouncing my knee to rid myself of the image that was planted in my head. Bella, broken, all of her hair cut off and chunks missing. Crying.

"Renee came to wake me for breakfast when she found me. I was a complete mess. There was hair stuck all over my face, it was in my mouth. The fear was eating at me so badly that she had to put me in the shower and let me vomit in there. I couldn't even make it to the toilet.

"Once I finally calmed down she knew what I needed to hear. She rocked me and wiped my face clean and said, '_He_ will always remember you as a beautiful girl with beautiful hair.' I don't know how she knew, but I knew that you had always loved my long hair. When I lost that, it was like I lost the last part of you that I could hold on to.

"Anyway, we went to the store, bought some clippers, and she finished it for me at home. I will never forget how much I loved my mother in that moment. She pretended that it was an accident, but I knew better. Before I could even get up, she somehow managed to "accidentally" shave a line straight down the middle of her hair and said 'Oops, looks like we're gonna be twins.'"

The smile she had at that moment would have normally warmed my heart, but now I didn't even know where my heart was. I couldn't feel it beating. My chest felt eerily cold and empty.

"To make a long story short, I'd had enough. The doctors had given me little chance of having a successful surgery, but I couldn't go through the treatments anymore. Life wasn't worth living when I was constantly sick from the treatments or constantly scared to be in public because I never knew when a seizure would hit. So, I pushed for it, and they reluctantly agreed to do it."

She cleared her throat and started again. " The next week I went in to surgery, fully expecting that I wouldn't be coming back. I just knew that I was meant to die. I had prepared myself, my things, written so many letters to so many people, including you and Alice that were supposed to be delivered when I died. Imagine my surprise when I woke up and the doctors had good news.

"They had been able to remove most of the tumor. I was started on a new treatment program, and luckily enough I was soon in complete remission. I have been cancer free for one year now. I came to town so that I could celebrate with Charlie. It was all so hard on him being so far away and not being able to be there for me, so I wanted to share this with him."

"Do you have a scar?" I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth. Of all the things that I could or should have said. I guess, though, in the back of my mind it all still just seemed like a really bad bedtime story. It wasn't real. I didn't want it to be real.

She reached up and parted her hair, and there it was. An angry pink, thick, scar. I don't know why, but I felt myself reaching out and moving on to the couch with her. My fingers lightly brushed over it.

I quickly got up from the couch and strode to the other side of the room, muttering to myself, "No. No. No, it's not real. It isn't real."

I buried my hands in my hair scratching at my own scalp wishing I could make the scar magically appear on my head instead of hers.

"Yes, Edward it's real. But I'm better, for now."

I spun to face her, my chest heaving and my brow sweating. "What do you mean 'for now'?"

I was practically yelling at her. Her hand shot over her mouth and her eyes, already swollen from crying so much, began to tear up again.

"I'm in remission, but there's no guarantee... It's possible that it could come back."

I don't know if it was the scotch or the shock of the news. I don't know if it was because the tumor robbed me of her, or if it was because _she_ robbed me of the time that could have been her last on this earth. I don't know what it was that did it, but suddenly I was angry. So _angry_.

The girl that I had always loved almost... could have... could still, _die_.

Rage and adrenaline thrummed through my veins. I couldn't stop it. It needed an outlet in the worst fucking way. I threw my head back and let out an inhuman growl of pain and sorrow and anger and, just, everything.

That didn't ease it though, the next thing I knew it was like I was watching myself, but having no control over what happened. I picked up the lamp from Carlisle's desk and watched it smash in to a million pieces against the wall. I watched as I tore books from their shelves and flung them without a care.

I heard screaming, and voices, but nothing could get through the ringing in my ears.

The chair was thrown, then the couch was upended. The coffee table went through the picture window facing Esme's rose garden.

I set my sights on Carlisle's oak desk, not worrying with whether or not I could lift it. There was something supernatural about what was fueling my body in its rampage. Just as I locked my hands on the end and began pushing towards that same window, I felt no less than three pairs of arms grab me.

I felt the hard floor beneath my back. I couldn't stop myself from trying to fight them off. I was out of control.

I could hear Carlisle telling me to open my mouth but my jaws were locked. I heard an awful sound, repeatedly, that vaguely resembled a dog we once had that had been hit by a car and drug itself home to die.

All I could see was the white ceiling, tinged with red, until I saw _her_. She was there hovering over me, crying, pleading with me to listen. Pleading with me to open my mouth. She looked scared. So scared.

In that moment it was like every bit of energy that had been surging through my body left me. I was weaker than I had ever been. I couldn't feel my body. All I could do was open my mouth and try to tell her that I was so sorry. Sorry that she'd had to go through that. Sorry that I didn't try harder to be there for here. Sorry that I'd almost lost her and didn't even know it.

All that came out was a long stream of sobs. I couldn't see her anymore for the tears that filled my eyes. Even when I tried to blink them free, a thousand more would replace the ones that escaped.

I felt something in my mouth and swallowed instinctively, trying to figure out what the hell was happening.

I woke up the next morning with a dry mouth and a headache unlike anything I had ever felt before. I squinted my eyes open and saw the clock telling me that it was after 10:00 am.

I got up and went to the bathroom, brushing my teeth trying to clear the fuzz from my head. I felt tired still, and weak. The last thing I remembered was going to Carlisle's study for a drink. I remember Esme coming in and telling me...

Bella was here. Bella was here, and she told me... She told me... And then I... Oh my God.

I stood there stunned by the memory and the images that flashed in my head. I heard her words bouncing around in my head. Cancer. Chemotherapy. Surgery. Remission. No guarantees.

I wanted to throw up.

I quickly finished up in the bathroom and then headed down stairs. The house was quiet. There should have been a lot of noise. Esme should have been in the kitchen cooking with Alice and Rose. Carlisle should have been watching something educational on the TV with Jasper. Emmett should have been, well, he should have been somewhere irritating someone.

I went to the kitchen to find it empty. I poured myself a glass of orange juice, needing something to settle my stomach, but not wanting food. I needed to be doing something.

I made my way down the hall to Carlisle's study. The door was closed.

I grabbed the knob and opened the door, hoping that it was all just some fucked up nightmare.

It wasn't.

The room looked like a tornado had been through it. Books were everywhere. There was glass all over the floor. The big picture window was covered in plastic that would crinkle every time there was a shift in the wind.

I sighed and walked forward, trying to start cleaning what I could. I picked up books and placed the ones that hadn't been too damaged back on their shelves. I righted the couch and chair. I would need someone to help me put the desk back where it belonged.

I went to get the vacuum and a garbage bag for all of the things that couldn't be saved. I made a list of everything that I needed to replace.

I was sweeping under the desk when I found something. It was a hat, her hat, with a Duke University Blue Devil on the front. The one she used to hide her short hair.

I walked over and sagged down on to the sofa. I couldn't help but put the hat to my face and smell it.

Christ, I had so many questions. So many things to say. I wanted so badly to talk to her, but I wasn't even sure that she would let me near her after the way I acted last night.

My eyes welled up thinking about the terror written on her face when they held me to the floor. She was afraid, and I made her that way.

I heard the door creak open, and I tried to rub at my eyes before anyone could see me sitting there crying like a little girl.

"Oh, Edward."

I looked up and saw Esme taking in the room.

"Esme, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. I promise that I'm going to replace everything-"

"Edward STOP."

She was crossing the room to come sit by me. I thought maybe she would lecture me or yell at me, instead she hugged me. I clung to her.

" Edward, everything will be fine. Everyone understands."

I sat back up clearing my throat like a man, "Well, I'm glad they do, because I sure as hell don't understand any of it."

"Edward, when Charlie told us what had been going on with Bella we were all shocked and heartbroken. Everyone deals with this kind of news in different ways. We all know how much you loved Bella, and how much she meant to you. Everyone understands that this must have been very difficult for you to hear."

"It was hard to hear. It was even harder to believe. What I don't get is where the anger came from. It was like someone lit a fuse and I just exploded."

Esme took my hand and held it in her lap. "Edward, it's natural to be angry when things happen that you can't control. I remember when I found out after I had Alice that I wouldn't be able to have any more children. I was angry with everyone and everything. It wasn't rational, but it is what I felt."

"Esme I wasn't just mad at the world, I was mad at _her_." I almost couldn't push the words out.

"What do you mean?"

"I was so sad and scared for her, that she had to go through that. I was angry that I wasn't there for her. Then I realized that she didn't want me there for her. She cut me out of what could have been the last years of her life. How do you do that to someone you love? How do you take that time from someone, knowing it's the only time with you they may have?"

Esme sighed, "I don't know Edward. I don't think that she was looking at it as you losing time with her. I think that, maybe, she was giving you the best part of her. She wanted you to know the young, vibrant girl that she was, not the sick girl that she was going to be."

"That was for me to decide, not her."

"Edward I think that maybe you need to talk to Bella about all this."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "She was afraid of me last night; I saw it in her eyes. She won't want to see me after that."

"Oh, honey, no." Esme ran her fingers through my hair. "Bella wasn't afraid _of_ you, she was afraid _for _you."

"Really?"

"Yes. She wouldn't let Charlie take her home until Carlisle promised her that you would be fine. It was all very sweet really."

I thought about it for a minute. There was still anger there, but it was layered beneath a lot of sadness and guilt. Maybe I could go and apologize for my reaction, and ask her for some answers.

"Where is everyone?"

"Well, after last night no one was really up to celebrating Christmas in July. Alice convinced Charlie to let us throw a small brunch for Bella. She was sad that you weren't there, but understood that you needed your rest.

"I think Alice and the others went in to Port Angeles for the day. If everyone is up for it later, maybe we can exchange some gifts after dinner."

"Okay, well, I think I'll go get a shower."

"Okay dear, and don't worry about the mess. I'll finish up in here."

I gave Esme a hug then headed up to my room and took a nice, long, hot shower. I rehearsed what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. I imagined what her responses would be. I tried to understand.

I didn't see anyone when I was leaving, which was just as well. I wouldn't know what to say anyway.

I left, taking the familiar roads back through town to the all too familiar white house at the end of the cul de sac. I cut the engine, wondering if she was even there. Charlie's cruiser was in the driveway, and she said something about not driving anyway, so there wouldn't be any other cars here.

I grabbed the hat from the passenger seat and got out, making my way up the walk. I hadn't been on that porch in years, and it hurt to be there again. I knocked on the door, and waited.

I was about to turn and go when the front door opened, a surprised Bella on the other side.

"Oh, Edward! What are you doing here? How are you feeling?"

I looked down, ashamed that she had seen me like that. "I'm feeling much better today, thank you. I, uh, came by to give you your hat back."

I stretched my arm out so she could take it, internally berating myself for not telling the truth.

Bella's face fell slightly and she nodded, almost as if to herself. "Thanks. I was wondering where that got off to."

All too soon that damn awkward silence was back, sucking the life out of both of us. It was now or never.

"Bella, I didn't just come by here to bring your hat. I would really like to talk with you, if that's okay."

"Of course, Edward. You don't even have to ask."

She pulled the door open all the way and let me inside.

"Charlie's at the store, he should be gone for a while." I followed as she led the way in to the kitchen. I noticed by the clock on the stove that it was already almost four in the afternoon.

"There are a ton of leftovers from this morning, and I haven't eaten since. Would you like some?"

"Yeah, that would be great actually. I haven't eaten all day."

She turned and gave me a sad smile, as if to say 'yeah, I understand'.

I watched her move across the kitchen getting plates, warming the food, fixing drinks. I knew that I should offer to help her, but I think we both needed a minute to get our bearings. Plus, watching her reminded me of how much I had missed her all these years. She was still so... indescribable.

Once the food was ready we both sat at the table, eating in silence. I was trying to remember what I had rehearsed and she was giving me time. We both ate everything on the plates, most likely from nerves because I didn't taste anything.

The clock on the stove read five thirty, and I was surprised that so much time had gone by without me noticing.

Before I could say anything Bella cleared our plates from the table. She rooted around in the cabinets until she found what she was looking for, and then motioned for me to follow her.

I got up and let her lead me out back. The sun was shining, which was rare. I sat in one of the old patio chairs and watched as she poured two glasses of wine.

"Do you remember when we stole a bottle of wine from Esme and Carlisle but we were too scared to drink it?" Though we were alone and outside, her voice was low, like this was too special a time for loud words and empty gestures.

I laughed, "Yeah."

"Well, I never did get rid of that bottle. It's been sitting in Charlie's cabinet all these years and I think it's time we did something about it."

"You're kidding me; you've kept it all this time?"

"Well, not so much as Charlie just never knew it was there and I forgot about it until I cleaned out his cabinets the other day."

We both took sips and grimaced at the tartness of it.

"Well, Edward, I imagine that you have a lot of questions, so let's hear it."

She didn't sound upset or angry, just resigned.

"I've been thinking about this all day, and I even tried to rehearse how this would go, but right now, all I can wonder is why you kept this from me. I never would have let you go through that alone."

"I know you wouldn't have, and that was the problem. You would have left school just to come and watch me die, Edward. I couldn't let you do that."

"I could have transferred to a closer school. I would have wanted to do that."

She nodded, "I thought about that. I realized though, that no matter what, you would have been too concerned with me to give school the attention it deserved. I wanted better for you than what I could offer."

I sighed, rubbing my forehead and leaning my elbows on my knees. "Bella, you didn't even give me a choice. I had a right to make that choice."

"Yes, you did. But I also had a right to not give you that choice." I laughed an empty laugh. "Edward, think about it. If it had been you, what would you have done? Would you have wanted me there to see you waste away? To see you lose all hope? To see you at your very absolute worst? To give up every opportunity I had at a normal life, just to be your nurse, when you were sure you were going to die?"

Well, when she put it that way, no I wouldn't have wanted her to go through that just for me. I would have wanted her to be happy. Damn it.

"I guess I can understand that, but you didn't have to be alone Bella."

"I never was Edward. I was lonely, sure, because I didn't have you. But I did have my mom, and Phil, and Charlie. I had friends that I met in support groups. I was never alone."

The serene smile on her face gave no indication that she was lying. She looked at peace with herself, with the world. The way that only someone that has been to the edge and come back can. I found myself smiling in return.

"I can't lie. I was really angry with you when you first told me. I didn't understand how you could do that to me." I huffed, "God I sound so fucking selfish. I'm all 'woe is me' and you're the one with a hole in her head."

I closed my eyes, mortified that I just said that to her. I was waiting for her to cry or scream at me for being an insensitive bastard. Instead I heard her laugh.

I opened my eyes and she was laughing so hard that she was shaking and tears were gathering in her eyes.

"Shit, Bella, I'm so sorry."

"No, no. That's okay. Believe me; I've learned that it's okay to laugh at things like that. In fact I much rather prefer it." She wiped at her eyes and I finally cracked a smile. "I would normally make a really offensive cancer joke right about now, but I don't think you're up for it yet."

"No, I don't think that I am."

After she calmed down she took a few more sips of wine.

"You know, four years ago, I never would have thought that I would be here with you again. As much as I loved you I wanted you to have something better. But here we are."

"Yep, here we are. Drinking old cheap bottles of wine."

She giggled, and it made me smile. "So, Edward, tell me about you. Tell me about the Edward that grew from a boy in to a man."

Her eyes sparkled in the setting sun, and it hypnotized me. I couldn't have said no if I wanted to. We launched in to a conversation full of highs, and lows. Bella was so proud of me, and I would never have imagined that hearing those words from her mouth would make me feel like such a man.

After all that she had been through, all she had lived through, she was proud of _me_.

I asked her if she would have ever told me the truth if she hadn't seen me at the market. She said she didn't know.

I asked her if she'd ever tried to date. She laughed in my face.

I asked her if she was scared. She said that she got up every morning, and had the choice to either be scared or be thankful. Most of the time she chose to be thankful.

I asked her what her plans were for the future. She said she lived day to day, no expectations.

In the hours that went by, I fell in love with Bella Swan all over again. This wasn't just some teenage passing fancy. This was _it_. This was the love that only comes once in a lifetime.

I asked her if she would ever consider giving us another try.

She said no.

"Why not?" It was hard to hide the hurt.

"Because, Edward, I don't want to leave you. That is still the one thing that scares me the most."

I nodded, but doubted that she could see since the sun had set long ago. I understood that feeling of not wanting to lose someone. If something did happen and the cancer came back I would face it head on, but what if it took her the next time? What if it didn't? What if it never came back? What if...?

For the first time since I'd arrived I reached out and touched her, held her shaking hand.

"Bella, no matter what happens, you'll never leave me. You're in my head, in my heart, always have been, and always will be. No matter where I go, you'll be with me. I love you. I will always love you."

"You have to know, Edward, that I have always loved you. Through it all, I always loved you. I _will_ always love you."

I kissed her hand, "You know, I think I remember a similar conversation the last night before we left for college."

She laughed, "Repeating things that we haven't said in a while. Looks like cancer and wine make you nostalgic."

I squeezed her hand, "It's still not funny, Bella. I can't laugh at something that hurt you so much."

I felt her other hand come to my cheek and I leaned in to it instinctively. It felt like home.

I needed to feel her, to know she was here and safe.

I stood and brought her up out of her chair, cradling her face in my hands. I kissed her.

I don't know that I've ever felt anything physically as powerful as my lips on hers after so much time. The warmth that flooded through my chest caused me to suck in a deep breath and it seems Bella had gotten a bit more forward in our time apart. I felt her tongue tease mine and the warmth that was in my chest fell straight to my dick.

I wrapped my arms around her, felt her hands on my neck, pulling me closer. She wanted me too. So much happiness and joy mixed with so much sadness and sorrow.

She wanted me, but she wouldn't be with me.

If tonight was all I had then I wanted to make it a night to remember.

I slowed our kiss, and broke it eventually.

Silently I picked her up and made my way inside and to her bedroom. It was eerily similar to the last time I'd been there, and I found some comfort in that.

I laid her on the bed and took my place beside her. Where I belonged. Where I should always be.

Clothes were removed and immediately forgotten. Whispered 'I love you s' hung in the air. I would say that I memorized her body, but I had never forgotten one inch of her.

I didn't want to stop. Call me selfish, but I couldn't _not_ have her this way again.

I hovered over her, feeling her legs wrap around my waist, pulling me to her. I kissed her, trying to tell her through my touch, 'I love you, I need you, don't leave me'.

With one last kiss I pushed in. Slowly, lovingly, until I was as far as I could go. The moment my pelvis was flat against the back of her thighs a war erupted inside of me. I closed my eyes and hid my face in the crook of her neck, fighting the wave of emotion that overtook me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to fight, and I wanted to cry. I wanted her to let me love her, take care of her.

Once I regained control of myself I pulled out slowly and pushed back in. Part of me wanted to sit back, grab her hips, and punish her for what she had kept from me. However a much larger part of me wanted to stay there, skin to skin, and make sure that she felt my love instead of my hurt.

Our bodies rocked slowly, our breaths washing over each other's faces. The smell of sex and wine permeated the air. I placed my thumb on her clit and began rubbing quick, light circles, intent on making her feel something.

She gasped and her eyes shot open. It hit me that though I had been with other women, she hadn't ever been with another man. No one had ever touched her like this. I was too young to know better when she left me. Realizing this was a first for her, and that I would be the one giving her this, caused me to increase my efforts.

I kissed down her chest, taking her nipple in my mouth and sucking lightly, nibbling, teasing. Moments later I heard her breathing increase and felt her hands leave me as they clutched the sheets beneath her.

I watched her face as her orgasm took over. Her head pressed down in to the pillows, eyes closed, and mouth open in a silent moan. It was so goddamn moving, something akin to a religious awakening. Unfortunately the only thing it awoke in me was my ire.

I would never have this again. Though she belonged to me, I wouldn't get to keep her.

As her orgasm subsided I could do nothing except thrust my hips against her as hard as I was able. She arched her back and clutched at my shoulders, letting out a surprised but pleasured shout. I did it again, and again, and again. Over and over, until my body betrayed me by ending our time much too soon.

We laid there, breathing, touching, and taking in what had just happened. I couldn't look at her because I was afraid of what I might see.

I felt the bed shake slightly and from the corner of my eye I could see her. Her hand was over her mouth and tears were spilling down her face and in to her hair. I rolled to her and pulled her in my arms, trying to comfort her through my own silent tears.

When I opened my eyes the dull gray light of morning in Forks was filtering through the room. Bella's room.

I looked down and saw her head on my chest, felt her arm around my waist, and her legs entwined with mine. Her breathing was steady and shallow. I never wanted to leave this place. I didn't want it to become just a memory.

As I tried to slide out from beneath her, Bella's grip tightened slightly. I waited for it to relax again, and then tried a second time. Again, her grip tightened slightly. This time I placed my hand on her wrist to lift her arm, but as our skin connected her hand turned over and laced our fingers together.

"Don't go."

It was barely a whisper, but she may as well have shouted for the impact those to words had on me. Did she mean just for now, or for longer? Had she changed her mind?

"I want to make you leave." My heart clenched at her words and I wanted to shake her. I laid my head back down and looked to the ceiling. Her next words came out on a breath, so I almost didn't catch them, almost. "But please don't let me."

A sob of relief escaped my chest, and I pulled her up so that our faces were level. We were both smiling like people that had just won the lottery. We were smiling, but we were both close to tears.

I knew that I would have to return to Seattle eventually, and I knew that things weren't going to be easy. There would be so much worry, but I had a feeling there would be even more happiness.


End file.
